the depth of the journey taken

A few years ago, I started experiencing chronic back pain. It would come and go. Sometimes I’d stay in bed for a few days if I had to, and sometimes I’d just take a bunch of Ibuprofen (or something stronger, when I could get my hands on it) and deal with it. As time went on, it got more severe and more frequent.

This year, it’s increased dramatically. Like many who make their living in the lovely unstable music industry, I have no health insurance…which is mostly why I’ve had to ignore my increasing pain. About a month ago, a good friend of mine got me in touch with a chiropractor she knew, and he was willing to work out a payment arrangement that wouldn’t bleed me dry. So I began getting treatment for the first time since this has started happening to me. Since then, I’ve had some days with less pain that I’ve experienced in years. There’s still bad days, but the doctor is treating me pretty aggressively, and I think overall I’m heading toward the right direction.

All this has made me realize just how much life has been sucked out of me during the last few years. It’s near impossible to focus on a task when your entire mental capacity is fixated on how much pain you’re feeling at the moment. At times I’ve felt defeated and depleted, and being productive has been near impossible on occasion. I’ve fought through it, but it hasn’t been easy, and it’s at times made things a lot less joyful than they used to be.

If I didn’t care about accomplishing anything, I guess I’d be content…happy, even…to just take an abundance of pain killers and let the days pass while I feel “good” (or at least nothing). The problem is, there’s been days I’ve had to do just that, and while the physical pain can be masked for a while, the internal frustration I feel as I’m not being productive grows exponentially in those moments. It’s nearly as bad, if not worse, than dealing with the physical pain.

Anyway, hopefully I’m actually on the road to recovery.

It’s been a strange year. I’ve accomplished some things beyond my expectations of myself, and yet I feel behind in some ways. Sometimes I feel like I’m balancing on the thinest wire imaginable…holding off both gravity’s doom and my own threat of collapse. All because I must feel that I’m moving toward the end of that wire, even though I can’t always perceive what it looks like. And when I reach the other side, I imagine it’ll be worth it all to look back and see the depth of the journey taken. I guess that’s why I keep going.

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